Sunday, April 7, 2013

Confessions of a pregnant PA.

Not much to report on the pregnancy front this week.  Henry is continuing to grow and man is he MOVING!

In other news, I must confess that I lost it at work several nights ago.  I have been contemplating how to put my feelings into words on this post, and it's taken me several days to process, but here goes.

As you may know, I started a new job in January working in an emergency room.  I do absolutely love my job, but there are some aspects that are not so fun.  During my shift the other night, it unfortunately fell to me to tell a young mom that she had suffered a miscarriage.  Insert raging pregnancy hormones and Megan crying in the bathroom.  I felt so awkward and honestly, embarrassed.  I felt like my body was betraying the emotional distance I am supposed to keep from my patients.  I seriously felt like my belly was screaming, "Haha, I'm pregnant and you're not!"

It took me several minutes to compose myself enough to have a professional conversation with my patient.  She took it well, managed to stay calm and not cry, but my eyes were watering, as my mind entered a constant replay of "No fair, no fair!"  The injustice of it all seemed to settle heavily on my shoulders.  JP and I are so incredibly grateful and have been so blessed with a healthy pregnancy, which has truly been a gift from God, but I went through a few minutes of dialogue with God that night, praying for this mom, and asking God what in the world we have done to deserve such an incredible blessing from Him.  As a medical professional, I can tell you about the minutiae of how babies grow and develop in the womb, and let me tell you, the fact that any child is born healthy is an absolute miracle.  There is so much that can go wrong, from conception to implantation to the develop of an entire person from two small cells.  As I lay in bed that night, picturing the scientific aspect of embryology, I suddenly imagined God sitting up in heaven, laughing at our feeble attempts to understand His complexity.  Seriously, as scientists, all we can do is DESCRIBE what we see around us, and attempt to duplicate it, but we lack the ability to CREATE.  With all of our scientific breakthroughs, we can create a test tube baby, we can implant it into a womb, we can even map the human genome, but as humans, we can't create SOMETHING from NOTHING.  Who am I then, to question the "fairness" of a God who is big enough to create the entire universe, yet small enough to know every hair on our heads?  The only solution I can come up with is to throw my hands up in humility and add this to my list of questions for God when I get to heaven.  I would be lying if I said that I've come to a peace about this, but of two things I am certain: God is sovereign and I am not.

Sorry to be such a Debbie-downer this week, but this is where my heart is.

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