Updates: I am officially on "any day, any time" status. I have four shifts left before maternity leave, so hopefully I can make it through those in one piece.
For the past few weeks, I have found myself saying things like, "when things get back to normal," or "when I get my body back," or "I really hope things go back to the way they were." Now, admittedly, when I say these things, I am mostly talking about my body. Because realistically, what woman wants her body to be changed forever (especially in a traditionally "bad way") by her pregnancy? I've been thinking about this a lot this week, and I have felt really convicted about this. The tough truth here, is that things will NEVER go back to normal. Our marriage, our home, our perspective, our attitudes will FOREVER be changed. From here on out, in addition to being a a wife, daughter, sister, I will also be a MOMMY. There will be a person that will be entirely dependent on me. While this is kind of a scary thought sometimes, it is an unbelievable honor to know that I have been trusted with this incredible honor of raising a son. I finally realized, I don't want things to go back to normal. If that means I gain some pounds, stretch marks, or my belly button never looks the same, so be it.
I have always been one of those people who has tried to do everything and be everything for everyone. And honestly, while I know in my head and heart I can't physically do this all the time, a lot of times, I do get pretty close. Up until a week or two ago, I was working crazy hours, running, and living life pretty much as "normal" as possible. It was pretty exhausting. I have to admit, I hit a brick wall. I was exhausted, I was grouchy, I was miserable. Although he never said so, or even hinted so, I'm sure JP was miserable also. I finally came to the conclusion that if I am hoping to be a decent mommy and wife, while also working, I have to give up this idea of "as close to perfection as possible." I have been trying to let go of the reins a little over the last couple of weeks and give myself a break: if I'm tired, I sleep; if I'm hungry, I eat; if I don't feel well, I let myself have a lazy day. This has been hard. It goes against everything I have always tried to be and do. But for my health, my family's well being, I know this is a change that must be made.
JP sent me a great article about "first world parenting" that you can read here, if you're interested. The gist of the article, basically, is that pinterest is evil. Haha. Not really. I love pinterest, but it's definitely a love/hate relationship. I worry for my generation of mommies, and for the kiddos that are being raised under this pinterest mantra. Now, on one site, in one place, you can compare yourself to thousands of women that are "doing life" better, thinner, cleaner, more organized, and more creatively than you. As if women need one more influence telling them they are failing. Again, I am not advocating a boycott of pinterest, as I still frequent the website a few times a week. But I use the grain of salt mentality. I use it only to improve myself not to compare myself to others. I hope that in the midst of our culture, I can raise a child who is thankful, who shares, and who is gracious with his imperfect mama. Not everything will be handmade and homemade. Not every snack will be simultaneously healthy, cut into tiny pieces and miraculously a piece of artwork at the same time.
To wrap this blog up: I am a hodge-podge of emotions this week... I am:
EXCITED to start a new life adventure.
SCARED that I will permanently scar my child.
NERVOUS that despite my preparations and research I will have no idea what I'm doing.
GRATEFUL that I have a supportive husband, family and friends so I don't have to do this all on my own.
IMPATIENT for Henry to just come on already :)
RELIEVED that I am full term and myself and Henry continue to be healthy.
FRUSTRATED at times that I am limited physically by my belly, my energy.
I have learned so much these past nine months. I hope every woman has as beautiful a time as I have. And I hope Henry likes me. That's all for now...here's hoping to a speedy, painless and convenient delivery :)
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