Happy (late) Mother's Day

Y'all know I'm not really one for holidays.  Mother's Day, however...I think I can get behind this one.

I started off the day getting to sleep in while JP got up with Henry and fed him breakfast.  While he was feeding Henry breakfast, JP also made me my breakfast: pancakes and bacon...Yum!  While I was eating, I was bombarded with a host of Mother's Day cards: one from Henry, one from my four-legged children, and one from my hubby.  I also got a lovely locket that JP assures me Henry picked out on his own :)

Then we got back in bed in our jammies and had some family snuggle time while watching Dumbo in Mommy and Daddy's bed.  Then JP gave me a second treat and put Henry down for his nap so that I could get nap #1.  After naptime, JP fed Henry lunch and took him to run some errands, while I settled down for nap #2.  After my nap, we filled our blow up pool and had some family swim time.  After swim time and Henry's nap, I got to pick the restaurant for dinner, and picked my favorite: Chinese food.

Yes, yes, it was a great day.  My favorite part was not HAVING to do anything.  JP did the dirty work and changed the diapers and braved the battle that is feeding time, while I got to do the fun things: playing in the pool and snuggling at naptime.

The day before Mother's Day I told JP all I wanted was to be ALONE.  To do NOTHING.  Then, with my wish fulfilled, I felt an incredible feeling of loneliness.  Don't get me wrong.  JP and Henry were only a few feet away in an adjoining room.  But as soon as I had my peace and quiet, all I craved was my family.

I thought I knew longing as a teenager.  You know, watching endless chick flicks and reading impossible romances and pining for whatever teenage heart-throb was the flavor of the month.  Then college.  Where life revolves around caring about everything while seeming to care about nothing.  Trying to be that care free girl that is fine with just dating and hanging out, while knowing that I really was just one of those "marriage material" girls.

But I never knew that gnawing feeling of emptiness until I became a Mommy.  Every time I leave my son, whether I'm leaving him in the capable hands of my husband, family, babysitter or church nursery, I feel a familiar tugging in my heart.

The tugging whispers "Something's missing."

After carrying my son for 38 glorious weeks, he became part of me.  One became two.  My formerly selfish decisions were filtered through the sieve of what affect each decision would have on my son.  Every morsel of food I put in my mouth was immediately turned to nutrients for my tiny child.  I felt every hiccup, every stretch, every kick of frustration.

Although I delivered my child, he will always be a part of me.  He will always be a part of me that lives outside of my body.  To leave him is to leave a part of myself.  This is the gift of motherhood.

The first time I saw him

So no matter how much the mundane can frustrate me, no matter how many times I have to chase Henry across the room to keep him from going after the one cord that is within reach, no matter how many diapers I change or shirts that are ruined with spit up, he will forever be this child of mine.

This is the greatest gift of all: the gift of motherhood.  And I will be forever grateful to JP for making me a mommy and to Henry for teaching me to be a mommy.

Happy Mother's Day!

Are you an orange or an onion?

Y'all...this mom stuff is hard.

One of the things that I have struggled with as a new mama is a feeling of identity.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Allow me to explain...

I pride myself on being a woman that can juggle a lot of "balls."  Included in my list of balls are: Megan the mom, Megan the PA, Megan the wife, Megan the daughter/sister, Megan the missionary, Megan the friend.

Sometimes I feel like I am just hopping from one "job" to another, without having a lot of time to just be myself.  It's left me with a sense of forgotten identity.

Here's a funny little quip to entertain you and illustrate my point: Henry had his first swim lesson this week.  It's a mommy and me class, so that meant I had to get in the water with Henry.  Naturally, this means I have to wear a bathing suit.  The only bathing suits I had are my pre-pregnancy two piece swimsuits, and my maternity swimsuit.  I felt like neither of these things fit the occasion.  I mean, who shows up to a swim class of babies and mommies in a cute bikini?  Not this girl.  So, I went to Academy (twice) to pick out a modest one piece (and take it back to replace it with another).  Lo and behold, I show up to swim class, and one of the mommies is wearing a two piece.  Haha.

Have you ever had this feeling, mamas?  Now that you're a mother, you should do this, wear this, refrain from this...I even hesitated to cut my hair for fear of it being pegged a "mommy haircut."

Which brings me to my question: Are you an orange or an onion?

You see, an orange is a fruit made up of multiple sections that add together to make a whole.  If you took away one section, you wouldn't have a whole fruit anymore.  But each section is completely separate from the next.  Although you wouldn't have a whole fruit, you could remove a section of the orange without interrupting the integrity of the fruit.

An onion, however, is different.  An onion is comprised of layers, not sections.  A layer of onion isn't an entity unto itself.  It is only when you add all of the layers together that you understand the identity of the onion.

Most days I feel like I am an orange.  I alternate from one section to another, never fully integrating them together.  I wish I was an onion; with each layer complementing each other, so that the onion doesn't make sense until all the layers are added together.

I still struggle with who I am as a person versus what I mean to someone.  I try to indulge myself in things meant just for me: a hot bath, a run around the neighborhood, reading a good book...but these things leave me with a nagging, guilty feeling.  If I do something just for myself, I can't help but feel selfish.  Surely I should be spending that time serving someone else, right?  The other part of me feels like I can only serve others if I keep myself healthy and happy.

It's a constant battle.  One that I'm not sure I will ever conquer.

My Guatemala story, part 1.

Whoosh....it hit me like a ton of bricks today.  I was sitting, talking to a coworker at 2 am, chatting about how I'm going to Guatemala this summer; wait a minute...that's next month!

Holy hot mess!

This week has been tough, y'all.  I'm already CRAZY nervous about going on this trip.  Not because I've never been before, not because it's an unknown adventure, but because I'm a mama.  It's as simple as that.  I feel like I've upped my ante.  How ridiculous is that?!  Is my life worth more simply because God used my meager body to house another human being?

I had some tough conversations this week.  Conversations that made me pull my hair with frustration.  Conversations that made me weep.  Conversations that made me put pen to paper and really got the cogs in my head turning.

But to really understand my story now, I have to rewind to the original story.

This is a story about a shy, naive 16 year old girl, venturing to Guatemala on spring break for a mission trip, honestly because that was what all of her friends were doing.  Truth.  This girl always knew she wanted to be a health care provider, so when an opportunity presented itself to take care of a sick 3 year old girl, she jumped at the chance.  With the help of a doctor, she sat with this sweet child while she vomited, while she sweated from fever, while she desperately tried to drink water, juice, Pedialyte, while knowing that it would make her sick.  After a day of trying to nurse her poor patient back to health, this teenage girl had to let go and pray for a miracle.

God didn't deliver a miracle that day.  The little girl died.  And a part of the teenage girl died too.

That teenage girl was me....I know, shocker.  Even as I sit here, that story brings tears to my eyes.  I can still picture her sweet face and tiny hands.  I still remember her red and yellow plaid shirt that was probably meant for a little boy, but it was all she had.  This story is what propelled me through tough undergraduate studies and the grueling torture chamber that is PA school.

I always promised myself I would go back when I could do something about these problems.  So I eagerly signed up for the chance to go to Guatemala this summer on a medical mission trip.  This time, I told myself, this time, I can save that little girl.

WRONG.  Can I just tell y'all how wrong this thinking is.  I admit, I am proud.  I am proud of my accomplishments, I am proud of my profession.  But seriously, who am I joking?  I'm no savior.

But I know Who is.

And I forgot.

I forgot that even though our goal may be physical healing, we are merely representatives of the One who heals our deepest, darkest wounds.

So while I sit here worrying that my skills, my knowledge, my supplies won't be adequate, I sense Jesus is practically shouting at me that I'm right.  Only by faith can I ever hope to be a tool in His miracles.

I don't have answers.  I don't have answers to the big question of why life isn't fair.  I don't know why Jesus decided to collect that sweet Guatemalan child early.  I don't know how we are ever going to collect enough medical supplies to treat all of our patients.  I don't know which medications we'll need.

But I know that He is Sovereign, and that He will provide.

I titled this post, "My Guatemala story, part 1" because I am so eager to share part 2 when I return.  I'm expecting big things.  I'm expecting miracles.  I'm expecting Jesus.  Please join me in fervent expectation by praying as I travel with my team in mid-June.

9 months

Dear Henry,

This past month has been my favorite so far!  (I know, I know, I say that every month).

At the beginning of the month, you did the impossible and grew two more teeth!  This brings you to a total of 8, which is quite a lot for such a little dude!  These last two teeth seemed worse than the first few.  You were much fussier than normal, and went on nap-strike a few times.  

You are such a little talker!  You will have full conversations with yourself, mostly when you are supposed to be napping.  You have learned a few new sounds, mostly f's and v's, which developed about the time you got all of your teeth.  You can also combine consonants, like b-l.  You say Mama and Dada, but it is still more random than intentional, I think.

You are quite the little biter.  EVERYTHING goes in your mouth.  If you don't have a chew toy in hand, you are perfectly happy to bite Mommy's shoulder or my finger if I'm not paying attention.  It has also gotten extremely challenging to get pictures of you with your mouth closed.

You love the outside.  Everyday we go on a walk or run, or both if Mommy is feeling particularly energetic.  You also love to sit outside in the backyard on a towel or blanket and watch your puppy dogs run around like crazy animals.  You've been to the zoo, the firetruck park and the arboretum, and genuinely enjoy just observing your surroundings.  You are so interested in grass, leaves, birds, trees, etc.  

You love to be the center of attention.  If Mommy and Daddy aren't paying enough attention to you, you will fuss until we give you our full, undivided attention.  You usually reward us with a smile, a laugh or a squeal.  Anytime we're out in public, you love flirting with strangers (mostly ladies.)  You stare at them until you get their attention, and then flash a huge smile, then bury your head in Mommy's shoulder as if you're shy (we know better.)

You have officially entered the squealing phase.  You scream, yell, and squeal, but only when you're happy.  You also make the cutest little sound when you're really excited.  You stick your arms straight out in front of you, and make this low-pitched, throaty, laughing sound.

You are such a great sitter.  You sit completely on your own, and your have great balance.  You are working on getting from the sitting position to the crawling position.  You have made some great progress!  At first, you would very ungracefully face plant, before righting yourself to the crawling position.  Now, you slowly lean forward onto your hands, and adjust your legs one at a time until you are up. 

You have begun crawling.  You can only army crawl, with your belly on the ground, but you can get anywhere you want to go, and fairly quickly.  If you're moving fast, it usually means you are going after power cords, cell phones, or trash cans.  Crawling has definitely brought out your ornery side.  You laugh hysterically every time Mommy or Daddy tell you "No!"    

You have begun pulling up.  Mostly this only happens when you are in your pack-n-play or your crib.  You can get from the sitting position to your knees, but you haven't managed to pull yourself to standing yet.  But if Mommy or Daddy stand you up, you can stand all by yourself, as long as you're holding onto something.  Once you started pulling up, we decided it was time to lower your pack and play to the lowest level.  You like being able to see out the sides, but sometimes you act very dramatically like you are in prison.  You press your face into the sides and whine until someone comes and rescues you.  

You still have a great appetite.  You have gotten a little too big for your britches and sometimes you think you're too old for your bottle, so we have to have a small battle of wills.  Mommy always wins.  You eat all kinds of veggies and fruit, and we are starting to introduce protein.  So far, you have eaten chicken and you seem to like it.

You are still sleeping well.  You sleep about 11 hours at night, and take two naps during the day.  Usually both naps are 1.5-2 hours long.  You are officially a stomach sleeper.  We're not surprised, since both Mommy and Daddy are stomach sleepers.  Even though we always put you to sleep on your back (Back is Best!), it only takes you a few minutes to flip yourself over.  Many times, we catch you on the monitor sleeping on your belly with your legs tucked underneath your body and your little booty up in the air.  It's really quite cute :)

You have started developing stranger anxiety.  You don't seem to have a problem if we leave you in our home, but when we drop you off at church, you cry almost every time.  Usually you only cry for 5-10 seconds while we walk away, so I know you're just putting on a show for Mommy...but it works.  It kills me every. single. time.

As always, Henry, I can't wait to see what you have in store for us over the next month.  Every day is an adventure, and I couldn't pick a better partner-in-crime!

Love,

Mommy  

Easter with a son

So, of course this was Henry's first Easter, but it was also my first Easter as a parent...a parent to a son, at that.  Wow!  This really made Easter special and so incredibly meaningful.  Honestly, I could hardly keep the tears back all day.

Sitting in service, singing praise songs, all I could think about was the HUGE sacrifice that our loving Father made for us, in sacrificing His only Son.  I could no sooner imagine sacrificing my son for anything or anyone than I could imagine growing a tail.  The love that I feel in my fallen, sinful heart for my son is nothing compared to the unconditional love our Father poured on us through His Son, Jesus.  

And it gets better.

This sacrifice was for Henry.  As much as I love Henry, I know that I cannot love him into the kingdom of God.  I pray every night that I can point him in the right direction, but he is his own person, on his own trajectory in life.  The fact that Jesus died for my son's sins, and that my son will get a chance at a relationship with God and citizenship in God's holy family shows me what an incredible GIFT it is to raise a child.  I get to raise him as mine, and teach him about God's incredible love for him.  For every missed opportunity, every tear, every failing of mine, I know that Henry has a perfect Saviour that rescues my failings as a parent.  However perfect I think Henry is to me now, I know that someday he will lie, he will cheat, he will call me names, yet despite his utter human-ness, His sins are already forgiven!  

I seriously cannot comprehend the magnitude of Easter, nor can I appropriately put my thoughts into words...sorry.

Happy late Easter!  He is risen!

Ode to Spring.

I don't know what it is about spring...it sneaks up on me every year.

It's like the earth breaths a collective sigh of relief, saying "We made it!" after the long winter.

I don't know about y'all, but this particular spring in Houston has been lovely.  The skies have been extra blue, the sun has been shining extra bright, and the grass is extra green.  Not to mention the bluebonnets!

Maybe it's just that I've never taken the time to notice spring.  There's something about experiencing something with a child for the first time that makes you take a second glance.

Henry loves being outside.  He could literally spend all day outside, watching the birds, laughing at the dogs playing in the yard, trying to select the perfect blade of grass to put in his mouth...

So that's it, y'all...I just wanted to share with everyone how much I am enjoying this spring!

I'll leave you with this:

Spring is like a perhaps hand (which comes carefully out of Nowhere)
arranging a window, into which people look
(while people stare arranging and changing placing carefully there a strange thing and a know thing here)
and changing everything carefully.

Spring is like a perhaps hand in a window
(carefully to and fro moving New and Old things,
while people stare carefully moving a perhaps fraction of flower here placing an inch of air there)
and without breaking anything.

--E.E. Cummings.

What do you stand for?

Ok folks, this post is primarily me ranting about my BIGGEST soap box, and is meant pretty exclusively for one audience: middle class, American Christians.  Man, do I have a beef with this group!  Now technically I fall within this group, so this is in no way meant to be an attack or an indictment; rather, it is meant to be a introspective look into bettering ourselves to make God look better.  Because that's what we're here for, ya dig?  (He is better, infinitely better, but to those who don't know Him, we are all they have...Lord help us)

Recently, there have been so many hot button issues revolving around social media, news outlets, and lunch time conversations.  You know the ones I mean.  I'm not even going to mention them here.  Believe me, I understand, (or at least empathize with) the heart of these issues.  I know that these issues stem from a place within people who truly believe they are doing the right thing.  And maybe they are.

But I can't help but think that we are missing the big picture, people.  You know, can't see the forest for the trees?  The way I see it, the way I've been taught, the way I've read and studied, is that we were given one commandment above all else.  Ok, well really, it's kind of two commandments crammed into one, but the bottom line is love.  In case you've forgotten, here's the gist of it: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself."

So, when push comes to shove, I think we're safe if we stand on the side of love.

Unfortunately, if you are not a Christian, and the only exposure you have to Christians is through what you hear on talk radio, what you see on the news, and what you read on the Internet, I'm afraid non-Christians have a very inaccurate view of Christians.  Why is this you ask?

These days, all I read about is what Christians stand AGAINST.

I think the world would know us better, and therefore, would know our Saviour better, if we did a better job vocalizing what we stand FOR.

Here's a short, simple list of the things that I stand FOR:
I stand FOR love.
I stand FOR life.
I stand FOR any opportunity to point people towards the love of my sweet Jesus.
I stand FOR the nations.
I stand FOR international justice.
I stand FOR giving when I can, and oftentimes when I don't think I can.
I stand FOR the poor, the widows, the orphans, the oppressed.
I stand FOR human rights, where not one soul is enslaved in poverty or sex trafficking.

Naturally, there are more causes and organizations and belief systems that I actively support with my time, my money and my prayers, but those are the big ones.  I'm writing these things into the void, in the hope that with time, more and more Christians will reroute their time, money and resources into positive, instead of constantly berating the negative.

I think that if we as Christians stood together for some of these issues, we would see more souls saved and less lives lost than simply arguing with people.

[End emotional ranting]

Food for thought: What do YOU stand for?