Are you an orange or an onion?

Y'all...this mom stuff is hard.

One of the things that I have struggled with as a new mama is a feeling of identity.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Allow me to explain...

I pride myself on being a woman that can juggle a lot of "balls."  Included in my list of balls are: Megan the mom, Megan the PA, Megan the wife, Megan the daughter/sister, Megan the missionary, Megan the friend.

Sometimes I feel like I am just hopping from one "job" to another, without having a lot of time to just be myself.  It's left me with a sense of forgotten identity.

Here's a funny little quip to entertain you and illustrate my point: Henry had his first swim lesson this week.  It's a mommy and me class, so that meant I had to get in the water with Henry.  Naturally, this means I have to wear a bathing suit.  The only bathing suits I had are my pre-pregnancy two piece swimsuits, and my maternity swimsuit.  I felt like neither of these things fit the occasion.  I mean, who shows up to a swim class of babies and mommies in a cute bikini?  Not this girl.  So, I went to Academy (twice) to pick out a modest one piece (and take it back to replace it with another).  Lo and behold, I show up to swim class, and one of the mommies is wearing a two piece.  Haha.

Have you ever had this feeling, mamas?  Now that you're a mother, you should do this, wear this, refrain from this...I even hesitated to cut my hair for fear of it being pegged a "mommy haircut."

Which brings me to my question: Are you an orange or an onion?

You see, an orange is a fruit made up of multiple sections that add together to make a whole.  If you took away one section, you wouldn't have a whole fruit anymore.  But each section is completely separate from the next.  Although you wouldn't have a whole fruit, you could remove a section of the orange without interrupting the integrity of the fruit.

An onion, however, is different.  An onion is comprised of layers, not sections.  A layer of onion isn't an entity unto itself.  It is only when you add all of the layers together that you understand the identity of the onion.

Most days I feel like I am an orange.  I alternate from one section to another, never fully integrating them together.  I wish I was an onion; with each layer complementing each other, so that the onion doesn't make sense until all the layers are added together.

I still struggle with who I am as a person versus what I mean to someone.  I try to indulge myself in things meant just for me: a hot bath, a run around the neighborhood, reading a good book...but these things leave me with a nagging, guilty feeling.  If I do something just for myself, I can't help but feel selfish.  Surely I should be spending that time serving someone else, right?  The other part of me feels like I can only serve others if I keep myself healthy and happy.

It's a constant battle.  One that I'm not sure I will ever conquer.