Wait! Don't burn me at the stake just yet....
I have been wrestling through a study on the book of Hosea and it has been both painfully and gloriously enlightening.
One of the shocking self discoveries I have uncovered is this: It is so much easier for me to believe in a Big God, than a small one.
Not sure what I mean?
I'm down with the Big God. You know, the God that parts seas, demolishes whole towns/armies/people; the God that can create an army out of skeletons, that can send a variety of rather horrible plagues; the God that sends bread from heaven just to feed his favorite children; who can both strike the living dead, and raise the dead to life; the God who can both shut a lion's mouth, and open the belly of a whale; a God who literally stood in the fire with 3 of his followers.
This is a BIG GOD. Surely this is a God that is worthy of worship, am I right?
This is a God that inspires awe, and maybe a little bit of fear?
At the end of the day, you want to be on this God's team, because surely this Big God can handle whatever your meager problems are, right?
The God that is harder for me to wrap my mind around is the God of small things. The God that whispers quiet words of encouragement in my ear; the God that knows the hairs on my head; the God that knit me together in the womb; the God who knows all of my deepest, darkest, scary places, but still pursues me anyway.
Sometimes it seems like two different Gods.
When I am faced with an insurmountable task, I want the Big God.
When the world is too big, and I am too small, I think I'll take the Small One.
Are you ready for a little secret? It may not come as too much of a surprise, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE. He is a constant presence, both Big and Small, all you have to do is ask for Him. Whether you are screaming for Him to rescue you, or whispering for Him to dry your tears, He is there.
Rest in that, dear friends.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Top 10 things I love about my hubby.
Hello, readers. As I'm sure most of you do not know, yesterday was my hubby's birthday. What better excuse is there besides a birthday to lavish someone with love and kind words, am I right?
Drumroll, please.
10. He is an all or nothing kind of guy.
If you know JP at all, you know he gets passionate about a few select things. But these few select things he is REALLY in to. For instance, anything related to the Arkansas Razorbacks. If you have a less than favorable opinion, please keep to yourself, unless you want a quick avenue to hubby's bad side. Likewise, if you have a positive opinion, please share, because you will quickly become one of his favorite people.
9. His patience.
I have met very few people who are more patient than my hubby. He is slow to anger, quick to forgive. It will be great for our kiddos, as they grow up, but it's also really great for me. I mess up sometimes, if you didn't know.
8. His IT-minded-ness.
Despite the fact that I hate technology, my husband is a techie-guru-of sorts. One of the things I hate most about technology is the fact that it is so undependable. But with a techie in the house, things do not stay broken for long. He can either magically fix it with his Jedi skills, or use his secret insider knowledge to get it to someone who can.
7. He does not know a stranger.
I joke that this man could talk to a brick wall, but it's not that much of a stretch. Many people who did not know me pre-hubby mistakenly think that I am an extrovert. Not so. I am a hopeless introvert who just pretends really well. JP has brought out my inner people person, and I can now function much better socially....kind of.
6. He encourages my potential.
My hubby is not someone who expects a spotless house and perfectly home cooked meals every night. He encourages me to pursue my career, my intellect.
5. He is not afraid to get his hands dirty.
He is honestly so great at helping out around the house. He frequently helps with sweeping and vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, helping with laundry, in addition to his man chores of taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn.
4. His sense of humor.
This is truly one of my very favorite things about him. He will randomly pop into a conversation with the most random and hilarious one-liners that keep you constantly guessing. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
3. He is so hands on with Henry.
Part of the deal with my working every other weekend, is that hubby has to take care of Henry in the evenings. All by himself. I know a lot of men that would freak out if left to their own devices with a child, but JP loves having that one-on-one time with Henry.
2. His love for Henry.
People say you never know how much you love your husband until you see them loving your child. I can personally attest to this fact. It continually amazes me that somehow, despite our extraordinary differences, and despite our flaws, God used us to create such a beautiful child. Loving the entirety of your child means loving your spouse, because your child is half of them.
1. His love for me.
JP is such a steady source of love for me, that never asks me to be anything other than myself. There is nothing so attractive as someone who knows all of your crap, and loves you anyway.
There you have it, folks. I bet now you wish you were married to him. Well, too bad, because he is MINE.
Drumroll, please.
10. He is an all or nothing kind of guy.
If you know JP at all, you know he gets passionate about a few select things. But these few select things he is REALLY in to. For instance, anything related to the Arkansas Razorbacks. If you have a less than favorable opinion, please keep to yourself, unless you want a quick avenue to hubby's bad side. Likewise, if you have a positive opinion, please share, because you will quickly become one of his favorite people.
9. His patience.
I have met very few people who are more patient than my hubby. He is slow to anger, quick to forgive. It will be great for our kiddos, as they grow up, but it's also really great for me. I mess up sometimes, if you didn't know.
8. His IT-minded-ness.
Despite the fact that I hate technology, my husband is a techie-guru-of sorts. One of the things I hate most about technology is the fact that it is so undependable. But with a techie in the house, things do not stay broken for long. He can either magically fix it with his Jedi skills, or use his secret insider knowledge to get it to someone who can.
7. He does not know a stranger.
I joke that this man could talk to a brick wall, but it's not that much of a stretch. Many people who did not know me pre-hubby mistakenly think that I am an extrovert. Not so. I am a hopeless introvert who just pretends really well. JP has brought out my inner people person, and I can now function much better socially....kind of.
6. He encourages my potential.
My hubby is not someone who expects a spotless house and perfectly home cooked meals every night. He encourages me to pursue my career, my intellect.
5. He is not afraid to get his hands dirty.
He is honestly so great at helping out around the house. He frequently helps with sweeping and vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, helping with laundry, in addition to his man chores of taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn.
4. His sense of humor.
This is truly one of my very favorite things about him. He will randomly pop into a conversation with the most random and hilarious one-liners that keep you constantly guessing. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
3. He is so hands on with Henry.
Part of the deal with my working every other weekend, is that hubby has to take care of Henry in the evenings. All by himself. I know a lot of men that would freak out if left to their own devices with a child, but JP loves having that one-on-one time with Henry.
2. His love for Henry.
People say you never know how much you love your husband until you see them loving your child. I can personally attest to this fact. It continually amazes me that somehow, despite our extraordinary differences, and despite our flaws, God used us to create such a beautiful child. Loving the entirety of your child means loving your spouse, because your child is half of them.
1. His love for me.
JP is such a steady source of love for me, that never asks me to be anything other than myself. There is nothing so attractive as someone who knows all of your crap, and loves you anyway.
There you have it, folks. I bet now you wish you were married to him. Well, too bad, because he is MINE.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Top 10 things I do not have all together.
To continue my Tuesday top 10..here is a list of some of the things in my life that I do not have altogether. Lest you be confused, let me remind you that today is Wednesday. Which is appropriate. Put days of the week on the list of things I don't have together.
1. My house.
Yikes! If you have ever been over to my home, just know that probably 5 minutes before you walked through the door, I was frantically sweeping up ALL OF THE DOG HAIR. It's amazing. I could literally sweep my floor every day and somehow come up with enough dog hair to clothe an entire person. So I just don't. I let the dust bunnies/piles of dog hair accumulate in corners and on the rug and hopelessly try to keep my son from eating them.
2. My closet (aka my bedroom floor).
This is probably the one thing that drives my husband crazy, but like the patient husband he is, he rarely says anything about it. If I'm looking for my favorite new top/skirt/pants, etc., chances are, it's on the floor. Or draped haphazardly over my dresser. Oops.
3. My garden.
I fantasize about a perfectly manicured lawn, lovely, fragrant blooms in our flowerbeds, and a garden of home grown herbs. This just does not happen. Our back yard is doomed due to two large sized dogs who insist on running the same paths over and over and over. Everything else requires a lot of work and attention that frankly, sits at the bottom of my to-do list. We get notices from our Homeowner's Association frequently, asking us to weed our beds. I keep talking about ripping everything out and planting some fool proof, Houston-worthy, low maintenance plants, but life happens, and this does not.
4. Mother's Day Out.
Every time I walk through those doors, I am met with a gallery of women who have it all together. Or at least look like they do. Matching lunch pails and backpacks that are monogrammed, perfectly groomed children, and all in either pristine work-wear complete with heels, or some fancy, matching Nike workout clothes that miraculously have no sweat on them. Henry and I are lucky to be there on time. And by on time, I mean 5 minutes late.
5. My mind.
I'm gonna come right out and blame the pregnancy for this one. I admit, I thought pregnancy brain was possibly one of the biggest hoaxes to ever be believed by the human race. Until I got pregnant. I am still looking for my mind, so if anyone finds it, let me know.
6. My sleep.
This fabulous little article came out recently that says that women need more sleep than men. Boo-yah! I knew it. Now, I feel only slightly less guilty that my husband gets up approximately 1.5-2 hours earlier than me.
7. Motherhood.
If you ever think you've got this motherhood thing down pat, just wait for the other shoe to drop. Babies, infants, toddlers, children...they are a constant surprise. Mostly good things. But teething...honestly, I could do without that.
8. My books.
Laugh all you want, but this is a big one. Normally, I am simultaneously reading two books: one fiction, and one non fiction. As of now, I think I am 1/4-1/2 of the way through like 5 books. It makes it very confusing to keep the plots straight.
9. My cooking.
Let me be clear: I do not love cooking. I enjoy it when I can do it MY WAY. As in, go to the grocery store with a list that has been double and triple checked. Pick up only the things that we need, and not forget anything. Come home to a clean and empty fridge and organize it my way. Then proceed to cook everything on my menu without anything spoiling. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. My husband and I are the worst about making a last minute decision to eat our favorite take out/fast food while perfectly good food sits in the fridge. Oops.
10. My health.
I have been sick more this year than any year I can remember. Maybe it's Henry, who brings home all kinds of germs from church, school, etc. Maybe it's increased exposure working in the emergency room. Maybe it's working nights and getting less sleep than I used to. This really should be #1, because it's the thing I desperately need to get under control.
Despite the fact that my life is a mess, and likely always will be, God is still able to use me in His story. In fact, I think the messier my life is, the more glory He gets. Be encouraged that you do not have to have your life all together for God to use you. If you are feeling a tugging on your heart, just say "Yes!" Don't wait for your life to come together, because it never will.
1. My house.
Yikes! If you have ever been over to my home, just know that probably 5 minutes before you walked through the door, I was frantically sweeping up ALL OF THE DOG HAIR. It's amazing. I could literally sweep my floor every day and somehow come up with enough dog hair to clothe an entire person. So I just don't. I let the dust bunnies/piles of dog hair accumulate in corners and on the rug and hopelessly try to keep my son from eating them.
2. My closet (aka my bedroom floor).
This is probably the one thing that drives my husband crazy, but like the patient husband he is, he rarely says anything about it. If I'm looking for my favorite new top/skirt/pants, etc., chances are, it's on the floor. Or draped haphazardly over my dresser. Oops.
3. My garden.
I fantasize about a perfectly manicured lawn, lovely, fragrant blooms in our flowerbeds, and a garden of home grown herbs. This just does not happen. Our back yard is doomed due to two large sized dogs who insist on running the same paths over and over and over. Everything else requires a lot of work and attention that frankly, sits at the bottom of my to-do list. We get notices from our Homeowner's Association frequently, asking us to weed our beds. I keep talking about ripping everything out and planting some fool proof, Houston-worthy, low maintenance plants, but life happens, and this does not.
4. Mother's Day Out.
Every time I walk through those doors, I am met with a gallery of women who have it all together. Or at least look like they do. Matching lunch pails and backpacks that are monogrammed, perfectly groomed children, and all in either pristine work-wear complete with heels, or some fancy, matching Nike workout clothes that miraculously have no sweat on them. Henry and I are lucky to be there on time. And by on time, I mean 5 minutes late.
5. My mind.
I'm gonna come right out and blame the pregnancy for this one. I admit, I thought pregnancy brain was possibly one of the biggest hoaxes to ever be believed by the human race. Until I got pregnant. I am still looking for my mind, so if anyone finds it, let me know.
6. My sleep.
This fabulous little article came out recently that says that women need more sleep than men. Boo-yah! I knew it. Now, I feel only slightly less guilty that my husband gets up approximately 1.5-2 hours earlier than me.
7. Motherhood.
If you ever think you've got this motherhood thing down pat, just wait for the other shoe to drop. Babies, infants, toddlers, children...they are a constant surprise. Mostly good things. But teething...honestly, I could do without that.
8. My books.
Laugh all you want, but this is a big one. Normally, I am simultaneously reading two books: one fiction, and one non fiction. As of now, I think I am 1/4-1/2 of the way through like 5 books. It makes it very confusing to keep the plots straight.
9. My cooking.
Let me be clear: I do not love cooking. I enjoy it when I can do it MY WAY. As in, go to the grocery store with a list that has been double and triple checked. Pick up only the things that we need, and not forget anything. Come home to a clean and empty fridge and organize it my way. Then proceed to cook everything on my menu without anything spoiling. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. My husband and I are the worst about making a last minute decision to eat our favorite take out/fast food while perfectly good food sits in the fridge. Oops.
10. My health.
I have been sick more this year than any year I can remember. Maybe it's Henry, who brings home all kinds of germs from church, school, etc. Maybe it's increased exposure working in the emergency room. Maybe it's working nights and getting less sleep than I used to. This really should be #1, because it's the thing I desperately need to get under control.
Despite the fact that my life is a mess, and likely always will be, God is still able to use me in His story. In fact, I think the messier my life is, the more glory He gets. Be encouraged that you do not have to have your life all together for God to use you. If you are feeling a tugging on your heart, just say "Yes!" Don't wait for your life to come together, because it never will.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Was I afraid?
Confession: I actually wrote this post a couple of months ago right after I got back from Guatemala. At the time, I thought people might be getting overloaded with Guatemala stories, so I decided to wait to post this....and then life happened and I forgot to ever publish it. Little did I know that this would be a recurring theme for me that I could walk through again and cling to the faithfulness God showed me in this time.
The biggest question I get asked when people ask about my trip to Guatemala is "Was I afraid?"
It comes in different forms, like...
"Were you afraid to leave your son?"
"Are you afraid to travel to a third world country?"
"Are you afraid of getting sick/catching a disease/contracting malaria....?"
My answer: A big, resounding "YES!"
Let me remind you that I had already been to Guatemala twice before I returned this summer. Twice. And I have absolutely no memory of being afraid. Granted, I was 16 and 17 when I traveled the first two times, so perhaps I was still in those teenage years where I was blissfully unaware of danger and my worst nightmare was that I wouldn't get asked to prom or would wake up with a zit. Those that know me can probably attest to the fact that I was never really one of those kids that just didn't worry, but I digress.
Before traveling back to Guatemala this year, I was plagued by absolutely crippling, paralyzing, heart-squeezing, hope-crushing FEAR.
I think this fear stemmed from two things:
1. I legitimately like my life. I have a wonderful, supportive husband, a beautiful, healthy son, a fulfilling career that I happen to love, and a comfortable living. This comfortable living that was so hard for me to leave is something I wrestled a lot with once I was in Guatemala...but that's a completely different post.
2. I'm a Mommy. While the world sees me as just another somebody, to my little guy, I am his only Mommy. I was terrified that he would miss me too much, but also that he wouldn't miss me at all. I dreaded the thought of leaving him behind, but I also dreaded the thought of spending the next few years of my life hiding behind my kids. I was absolutely panicked at the thought of leaving him without a Mommy, but I also panicked at the thought of being a Mommy who is physically present, but spiritually empty.
I finally came to this conclusion, and it's a tough one.
I was having a conversation with my husband about being afraid, and he point-blank asked me, "What are you afraid of?"
I allowed myself to say the words that had absolutely robbed me of any joy and excitement for Guatemala: "What if I die?"
So we walked through the practical aspects. I'm serious, y'all. If you don't have kids, maybe you'll think this is morbid, but we legitimately talked about the financial and legal aspects of what would happen if I died. I wrote down my physical address while in Guatemala, and we talked through the process of reporting me as a missing person if I just never came back. We talked through my husband's role as a single father to Henry. We talked through remarriage.
But we ended on this. JP said, "Imagine the legacy you would leave for Henry if you died on the mission field." Out of everything else we talked about, this is what brought me comfort. As a parent, what better example can I leave for Henry than to give my life for Jesus?
Now, obviously, I did not lose my life. I'm home, safe and sound.
But as we take the beginning steps towards a brand new, big, scary, exciting journey, I again find myself battling fear and insecurity. And I rest in the fact that God has brought me through that valley of despair, and that He will not fail to do so again. I take comfort in the fact that my answer to the toughest of questions a Christian will ever face: "Would you give your life for this?" is YES.
Some people, like the Christians dying in the middle East or missionaries on the front lines in hostile environments, are asked to give their lives all at once. For most of us, we are asked to give our lives away a piece at a time.
If you had asked me what my life would look like 5 years ago, and especially 10 years ago...this life is not what I would have answered. My spiritual journey and the small sacrifices I have already made have led me to this place, and I can honestly say, I wouldn't have it any other way. For every sacrifice God asks you to make, He has something infinitely better for you in store.
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it." Matthew 16:25
I hope you find this encouraging and I hope more than anything that you would find the courage to step out in faith to a bigger, scarier life, found in the hope of Jesus.
The biggest question I get asked when people ask about my trip to Guatemala is "Was I afraid?"
It comes in different forms, like...
"Were you afraid to leave your son?"
"Are you afraid to travel to a third world country?"
"Are you afraid of getting sick/catching a disease/contracting malaria....?"
My answer: A big, resounding "YES!"
Let me remind you that I had already been to Guatemala twice before I returned this summer. Twice. And I have absolutely no memory of being afraid. Granted, I was 16 and 17 when I traveled the first two times, so perhaps I was still in those teenage years where I was blissfully unaware of danger and my worst nightmare was that I wouldn't get asked to prom or would wake up with a zit. Those that know me can probably attest to the fact that I was never really one of those kids that just didn't worry, but I digress.
Before traveling back to Guatemala this year, I was plagued by absolutely crippling, paralyzing, heart-squeezing, hope-crushing FEAR.
I think this fear stemmed from two things:
1. I legitimately like my life. I have a wonderful, supportive husband, a beautiful, healthy son, a fulfilling career that I happen to love, and a comfortable living. This comfortable living that was so hard for me to leave is something I wrestled a lot with once I was in Guatemala...but that's a completely different post.
2. I'm a Mommy. While the world sees me as just another somebody, to my little guy, I am his only Mommy. I was terrified that he would miss me too much, but also that he wouldn't miss me at all. I dreaded the thought of leaving him behind, but I also dreaded the thought of spending the next few years of my life hiding behind my kids. I was absolutely panicked at the thought of leaving him without a Mommy, but I also panicked at the thought of being a Mommy who is physically present, but spiritually empty.
I finally came to this conclusion, and it's a tough one.
I was having a conversation with my husband about being afraid, and he point-blank asked me, "What are you afraid of?"
I allowed myself to say the words that had absolutely robbed me of any joy and excitement for Guatemala: "What if I die?"
But we ended on this. JP said, "Imagine the legacy you would leave for Henry if you died on the mission field." Out of everything else we talked about, this is what brought me comfort. As a parent, what better example can I leave for Henry than to give my life for Jesus?
Now, obviously, I did not lose my life. I'm home, safe and sound.
But as we take the beginning steps towards a brand new, big, scary, exciting journey, I again find myself battling fear and insecurity. And I rest in the fact that God has brought me through that valley of despair, and that He will not fail to do so again. I take comfort in the fact that my answer to the toughest of questions a Christian will ever face: "Would you give your life for this?" is YES.
Some people, like the Christians dying in the middle East or missionaries on the front lines in hostile environments, are asked to give their lives all at once. For most of us, we are asked to give our lives away a piece at a time.
If you had asked me what my life would look like 5 years ago, and especially 10 years ago...this life is not what I would have answered. My spiritual journey and the small sacrifices I have already made have led me to this place, and I can honestly say, I wouldn't have it any other way. For every sacrifice God asks you to make, He has something infinitely better for you in store.
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it." Matthew 16:25
I hope you find this encouraging and I hope more than anything that you would find the courage to step out in faith to a bigger, scarier life, found in the hope of Jesus.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Tuesday Top 10.
In honor of my obsession with lists and to force me to blog on a semi-regular basis, I give you...
Tuesday Top 10!
To catch up with my first (and last) Top 10, hop over to Top 10 Ways to Stay Grounded.
For most of Houston, including our little family of 3, yesterday was Back to School Monday! I could practically hear the Hallelujah chorus singing in the heavens as millions of mamas dropped their little ones in their respective air conditioned hallways of learning.
In addition to the luxury of a child-less grocery store trip, I am looking forward to a little independent down time where I can devote myself, mind, body and soul to my first and longest love affair. Reading.
I LOVE READING. AND BOOKS.
So, without further ado, I give you my....Top 10 Books on my Reading List.
1. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt.
I may or may not have accidentally/on purpose gotten myself a pity invite to a friend's book club. I'm really hoping she remembers she invited me.
2. A History of Modern Israel by Colin Shindler.
Because who really understands the constant crisis going on in Israel?
Because who really understands the constant crisis going on in Israel?
3. The Locust Effect by Gary A. Haugen.
Super pumped about this one! I plan on pairing it with this Bible study on justice.
Super pumped about this one! I plan on pairing it with this Bible study on justice.
4. Silence by Shusaku Endo.
Set in 16th century Japan, an historical novel about Portuguese missionaries who travel to Japan during a time of Christian persecution by the hands of Japanese feudal lords.
5. Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn.
Written by the first married couple to win the Pulitzer Prize for journalism.
6. Art Briles: Looking Up: My Journey from Tragedy to Triumph by Nick Eatman. (Foreword by Robert Griffin III).
Because football. Sic 'em!
7. Behind the Beautiful Forevers by Katherine Boo.
Life, death and hope in a Mumbai Undercity.
Life, death and hope in a Mumbai Undercity.
8. Carry on, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life by Glennon Doyle Melton.
This sounds like a pep talk written just for me.
9. So What's the Difference? by Fritz Ridenour.
A look at 20 worldviews, faiths and religions and how they compare to Christianity.
10. If I Stay by Gayle Forman.
Ok, technically I have already read this one, and technically it's teen fiction, but this was just an enjoyable book. A super quick read about a girl trapped between living and dying and her battle to choose between the two. As a medical professional, I've heard similar stories of experiences from patients in the throes of death and I just find this to be a fascinating subject packaged in a teen romance novel.
There you have it, folks. Happy reading!
Monday, August 18, 2014
Mommy guilt
I don't know about all of you mommies out there, but I suffer from a major problem that I'll just call "Mommy guilt."
It is a constant black cloud that follows me around, threatening to rain on my parade.
The minute Henry was born, I became afflicted with this disease. It started when Henry was less than 24 hours old and the lactation consultant was asking me about my nursing plans. Knowing I was going back to work, and wanting to set a realistic goal, I told her I wanted to commit to breastfeeding for 3 months, and then re-evaluate at that time. I could see the judgment in her eyes. The slight pursing of the lips that communicated that she didn't agree with this decision.
It's this same expression that you'll see on every person that has any involvement in your child's life. The scrunched eyebrows, feigning concern; the slight eye twitch as they force a smile through their condemnation. Everyone does it. Fellow mommies, teachers, check out ladies, family, friends. I've even recognized the expression on my own face when encountering a parenting idea that isn't to my particular liking.
I am plagued with Mommy guilt right now. Several months ago, I took advantage of the situation when our nanny quit, and decided to rearrange my schedule, go part time and stay home with Henry. I am with him all day every day Monday through Friday, and half of the weekends. I roll myself out of bed after 3, 4, maybe 5 hours of sleep so I don't miss out on anything. Why? Because of mommy guilt.
We toured a wonderful Christian school in Pearland that has a Mother's Day Out program several weeks ago. It had everything we wanted. A Christian education, loving teachers, small classrooms, and it is about 10 minutes from our house. Winning!
The minute we walked out the door, it started. That heavy, oppressive feeling that is mommy guilt.
Is it right for me to send my child to Mother's Day Out, so I can have a few hours to myself?
Is it right for me to miss 10 hours of Henry time every week?
What milestones will I miss? Walking? Talking?
Will he know that I've abandoned him?
Y'all these are not rational thoughts.
I can't tell you how to get over these fears and anxieties because I'm not over them myself. But I know this: we were not created to live this way. We were made to live a life encouraged, comforted, loved, not judged, guilty and anxious.
So if you are also suffering from Mommy guilt, practice this with me. Every time those little voices creep in your head, whispering lies to you, practice speaking these small truths to yourself.
"You're a wonderful Mommy." "You're the exact Mommy he needs." "He loves you." "He needs you." "You were created perfectly to be his Mommy and no one else's."
Take heart, dear friend. The days are long, the years are short. Love and be loved. Don't waste your time on anything else.
It is a constant black cloud that follows me around, threatening to rain on my parade.
The minute Henry was born, I became afflicted with this disease. It started when Henry was less than 24 hours old and the lactation consultant was asking me about my nursing plans. Knowing I was going back to work, and wanting to set a realistic goal, I told her I wanted to commit to breastfeeding for 3 months, and then re-evaluate at that time. I could see the judgment in her eyes. The slight pursing of the lips that communicated that she didn't agree with this decision.
It's this same expression that you'll see on every person that has any involvement in your child's life. The scrunched eyebrows, feigning concern; the slight eye twitch as they force a smile through their condemnation. Everyone does it. Fellow mommies, teachers, check out ladies, family, friends. I've even recognized the expression on my own face when encountering a parenting idea that isn't to my particular liking.
I am plagued with Mommy guilt right now. Several months ago, I took advantage of the situation when our nanny quit, and decided to rearrange my schedule, go part time and stay home with Henry. I am with him all day every day Monday through Friday, and half of the weekends. I roll myself out of bed after 3, 4, maybe 5 hours of sleep so I don't miss out on anything. Why? Because of mommy guilt.
We toured a wonderful Christian school in Pearland that has a Mother's Day Out program several weeks ago. It had everything we wanted. A Christian education, loving teachers, small classrooms, and it is about 10 minutes from our house. Winning!
The minute we walked out the door, it started. That heavy, oppressive feeling that is mommy guilt.
Is it right for me to send my child to Mother's Day Out, so I can have a few hours to myself?
Is it right for me to miss 10 hours of Henry time every week?
What milestones will I miss? Walking? Talking?
Will he know that I've abandoned him?
Y'all these are not rational thoughts.
I can't tell you how to get over these fears and anxieties because I'm not over them myself. But I know this: we were not created to live this way. We were made to live a life encouraged, comforted, loved, not judged, guilty and anxious.
So if you are also suffering from Mommy guilt, practice this with me. Every time those little voices creep in your head, whispering lies to you, practice speaking these small truths to yourself.
"You're a wonderful Mommy." "You're the exact Mommy he needs." "He loves you." "He needs you." "You were created perfectly to be his Mommy and no one else's."
Take heart, dear friend. The days are long, the years are short. Love and be loved. Don't waste your time on anything else.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Fresh food Friday
And now, for your reading pleasure....here is a look into my mind, my grocery cart, and my kitchen.
Confession: I'm not really a fad person. Add my medical background to that, and I pretty much hate any fad diet right from the get go. Anytime there is a new eating philosophy that it is supposed to magically fix everything, I mentally (or actually) roll my eyes. Not to say there's not good intentions behind each and every one.
All this to say, I'm a little late on the natural foods band wagon.
I've done a lot of (internet) reading, which these days basically qualifies me as an expert, and I've felt a strong urge to start incorporating these concepts. Let me save you some time, if you're not up to speed. There's some evidence that processed foods have very negative effects on our bodies: from cancer to heart disease to ADD, there are articles linking artificial everything to each and every physical/mental/emotional/psychological problem.
So, here are the things that we are trying to stick to in the Johnson household:
1. Try to stay on the outside of the grocery store.
This means mostly fresh produce, meat and dairy. I do saunter into the scary middle aisles for a few things like all natural peanut butter, rice, etc.
This means mostly fresh produce, meat and dairy. I do saunter into the scary middle aisles for a few things like all natural peanut butter, rice, etc.
2. Read the label.
For those things that come out of the middle aisles, if the ingredient list has more than 5 ingredients, it's probably not going in our cart.
For those things that come out of the middle aisles, if the ingredient list has more than 5 ingredients, it's probably not going in our cart.
3. No artificial sugars.
I gave up the Diet Dr. Peppers when I was pregnant, but they tempt me every now and again. Sometimes I just splurge for the actual thing, but this is mostly when I'm needing a caffeine pick me up at work.
I gave up the Diet Dr. Peppers when I was pregnant, but they tempt me every now and again. Sometimes I just splurge for the actual thing, but this is mostly when I'm needing a caffeine pick me up at work.
4. Avoid fast food.
Restaurants aren't always much better, but at least you can imagine your food is cooked to order instead of sitting under a heat lamp.
Restaurants aren't always much better, but at least you can imagine your food is cooked to order instead of sitting under a heat lamp.
So what does this all look like?
Here's an example of our menu list this week:
Mediterranean Pasta
Cilantro Lime Chicken with Tomato and Avocado Salsa and Cilantro Lime Rice
Lemon Chicken Orzo Soup with Greek Salad (and homemade Greek Dressing)
Oven Roasted Citrus and Herb Chicken with Vegetable Rice and Green Beans
Tuscan Chicken Skillet and Caprese Salad
Greek Chicken with Couscous Tabbouleh and Greek Salad
Yum! We have been very happy with our food choices and are loving the abundance of fresh food in our fridge.
Happy Friday!
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