Enough.

I have been meditating on this word a lot this week.

Get ready, I'm being pretty transparent today.

The dictionary defines this word in these ways:

1.  adequate for the need or want; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire

2.  sufficiency

3.  in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose

4.  fully

5.  used to express impatience or exasperation

I just can't seem to get enough.  I just can't seem to be enough.

There's not enough time in the day.

I'm not sleeping enough.

Henry's not sleeping enough. (last week)

Henry's not awake enough. (this weekend)

I don't have enough time with Henry.

I don't have enough time with my husband.

I don't have enough time to myself.

My husband doesn't love me enough.

I'm not loving my husband enough.

I'm not a good enough mother.

I'm not enough.

I've been developing this frantic sense of urgency lately.  I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers.  I can remember thinking to myself when Henry was born that 10 weeks at home was going to be an eternity.  It's not.  It's not enough.  I'm confident in my decision to keep working, for a variety of reasons that I won't go into here, but one of the reasons is because no amount of time with Henry will ever be enough.  I can also remember thinking that if I spent all day at home, the house would be spotless, dinner would be a deluxe culinary masterpiece, my hair and makeup would be done, I would catch up on my reading, I would drop my baby weight quickly because I would be working out daily.  Oh, how naive, pre-motherhood Megan.  Most days I'm lucky to get to shower and brush my teeth.  I can't keep up.  I have fallen victim to the clock. 

In my feelings of inadequacy that I am not doing enough--enough around the house, enough in my marriage, enough work, enough mothering, enough exercise--I find that I need more and more of my husband to where he can never possibly be enough.

ENOUGH!!

Today in Life Bible Study we discussed pursuing peace and avoiding bitterness.  I admit, a bitter seed has been planted in my soul.  And I'm saying enough!

The bottom line is that only my Father God, my Lord, my Savior, my Provider, is enough.  Only He can complete me, only He can define me.  I'm directing my prayers to Jehovah Jireh, Yahweh Yireh, which means the Lord who provides.  I'm doing a study on the names of God, which has been a very powerful way for God to reveal more of His character to me.  I highly recommend it.  The book is called Praying the Names of God by Ann Spangler.  

My deepest, most fervent prayer is that He would provide.  Because Lord knows I can't do it.

That's enough for now.  (Sorry I couldn't resist.)